last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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