I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
