I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
