sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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