Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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