I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize