If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
