I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I need to calm my uterus...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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