I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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