Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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