I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We need to rekindle our bromance
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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