I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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