So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
