OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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