Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
