Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
