My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize