Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
