Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
