God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
