I wish I only lived at night.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
