He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
