Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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