Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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