I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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