I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
birth control should be required to get into college
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
