Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
