It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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