Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
