I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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