just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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