Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
