I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
