He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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