Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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