So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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