Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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