new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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