I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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