Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
