did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
