I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
