I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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