I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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