oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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