I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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