she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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