I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
