All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
