So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
