At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize