Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
