farters have to be the big spoon...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
