your thong is hanging out like whoa
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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