my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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