Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
