evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
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