what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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