I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
