I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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