i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
