when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
